Put the blame on??

There are few issues that keep coming back to my mind lately. To whom should the blame be put on. Me?? Him? Them? Heart? Damn it i don’t know. The only conclusion that seems to keep coming is that maybe its just natural things start to turn upside down once you reach early 20’s. I learnt from the past experience of mine and those from my fellow friends.

When we get to know someone we tend to be closer to each other, especially when there is a solid connection between those individual such as understanding, hobbies, humor and etc. As we get closer we gain mutual understanding of each other. In my case, for nearly 6 months being closed with someone which at first i thought that close friendship wont even touch the third month, my heart starts want more. He told me he felt the same. Unfortunately, things get really messed up when his ex, which he claims that she own his heart came back. But we continue to be friends but with really weird ways of friendship. I want him the way he is being sweet and cares about me but on the other hand he was someone else boyfriend. I end up scolding him for that.On the second week of December everything start to change. Now, after nearly one year (this February)of really close-weird- friendship, even friendship wont be possible. It is really such a waste.

close friendship in the sense of:

Everyday for the past 10++ months, two or three times on phone for hours without feeling bored at all. Updating each other daily activities. Worrying for each other. Look out for each other. Being so understandable. Help each other. Laugh together. Sad together. Missing each other. Felt uneasy if one of us went out with opposite sex.

For me he is definitely not just a friend, he was my starlight.

what is it in my head ? i wonder..

1. How did things get to this point?
2. Why did he says such sweet and breath taking words?
3. Damn it! I was stupid to fall for him
4. Why he wont let me go when i wanted him to do so and now when i decided to be friend, he want to let me go.
5. Is it my fault for arguing with him and not wanting him to care about me so much? ( which now became the reason why he wont even tell me his stories anymore)
6. Is there any words from his mouth for this past 10++ months sincerely from his heart?
7. Am i ‘bertepuk sebelah tangan’ ?
8. What actually were we from the very first. Friend? Special friend? couple? (both agreed that we are special friend)
9. He just not that into me i guess.
10. Its not him choosing his ex over me that i mad and really sad about, its him putting my friendship at a very weird place.

There’s actually a lot more but i guess its enough. I’ m not blaming him. Cause people might think he is really a bad guy. He did apologized. He did felt something even for a short moment. He just like my other friends just the difference, he is the only one i make as my starlight. That make such a big different which make my 2009 stories went more complicated compared the stories make by the stars(ordinary friends).

kawan je ngn orang laen, ade je orang len amek berat, tpi nape bile starlight, kesah nye jadi terlalu menyedihkan?? hurm.hahahaha

Now comes to the tricky part. WHO SHOULD BE BLAME ? If one day, this happen to anyone of you in any similar way?

Yourself? Your ‘Friend’? Yours or his Heart? Life? Age?

Is it my fault to fall in with him?

Is it his fault for wanting someone to share his happiness and sadness when he really needs someone?

Is it our fault to feel something more than just friend at that moment?

Is it his fault that he don’t feel the ‘chemistry’ anymore?

Is it our fault when its over and even friendship is impossible?

Is it wrong that he loved his ex more than he loves me and choosing her over me after being there for him every minute and every hour?

Is it his fault when he search for others  after all heartbreaking things his ex did to him?

People, once your friendship heading to a situation which is way to complicated ( which many think it was sweet, lovable moments) that only both of you understand what it is. Or, you having those ‘close friendship’ symptoms.I suggest get you pad and helmets. Its because, you don’t know when a really big tide coming to crush your life down until you feel its difficult to breath again.

BUT! not all situation is similar to mine. There will always be an exception. Just get the-umbrella-ready-before-it-rains.

There are about 2 or 3 friend of mine (boys) who are in this very same situation. It breaks my heart when, they are actually being in ‘starlight position’ if compared to my story. guys! i cant help you. It will be bias. Just one thing, dun think by keeping it a secret about what you feel, you are protecting those girls in my position when you are actually being selfish. i think so? hurm..hahaha.

told you im gonna be bias.hahahaha

Heart..It really has a complicated language.

which is better? to be loved or to love?

P/S:

Its just something to share. something to think. not to make any bad statement.As i said, its an issue which me myself cant understand.

to HIM: i am very sorry if this hurt you in any way. it’s just something i wanted to share so it could be a lesson for others. Not to blame. Not to crawl back to you. Even though i really want to put all the blame on you but i know its not just you.